Episode 03: Check Your Motives
What’s up? This is episode 3, titled: “Check Your Motives.” This is going to be hard to hear but I hope you take it as friendly advice. Again, I am sharing these insights because it’s taken me a few years to even be in a place to receive this from the Holy Spirit.
So, what are your motives for the desire to be pregnant and/or have children?
I’d like to say mine in September 2020 when Zack told me he was ready because both of us wanted to start a family. It wasn’t. I had this unwarranted sense of competition with someone and that was my motivation. To “beat” this person in the advancement of our chapters in life was my goal, I just didn’t realize it…until a few months ago.
Looking back on that whole unwarranted sense of competition goes way back to elementary school for me. I would “race” my friends in how fast we could read a book. Heck, I still do this sometimes! Why? Beats me; I have no idea.
I’ve never seen myself as a competitive person, but I do love to win - I do know that. There’s probably more to that so, I’ll munch on that and see what the Holy Spirit reveals later on. I don’t think I’m ready to dive into that aspect of the side of my personality. This episode was even hard as it is.
You’re probably asking yourself, “Ok, why are we talking about motives? What does the Bible have to say about that? Aren’t all motives regarding bringing new life into the world pure?”
No. They’re not. As I just revealed from myself, they’re not pure.
In the book of James, which, side note, is my favorite book and it’s because of these exact verses, it talks about motives. James 4:2-3 “You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.”
If that isn’t a shot to the heart, I don’t know what is. Check your heart, check your motives. Just like Darth Vader said to Luke after he revealed he was his father, “Search your feelings, you know it to be true.”
This is one of those dangerous prayers. When - or if - you ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart He’s going to do it. I don’t know that I actually prayed but - I may have, I don’t know — maybe, I just don’t remember. If I don’t ask Him to do this for me, and it’s taking a bit too long for me to get to the heart of the issue, the Holy Spirit will definitely drop moments in my life that will slowly and gently lead me to the “ooooh” moment.
If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. And I ain’t gonna force you to be ready. And neither is the Holy Spirit. He’s gentle; He’ll lead you.
There is much more to unpack with these verses and the topic. So if you’re ready to dive in, join me; let’s go.
Part 1 — “You scheme and kill to get it.”
Have you ever said to someone (or even to yourself), “I have baby fever so bad that…, “I’d kill to be pregnant” or “I’d kill to have a baby”.
Not saying that you’d actually commit murder, but do you not track your ovulation cycles, track your periods, take all the vitamins, change your diet, go to your husband and “ok, baby makin’ time!”
It’s all scheming. Don’t hear me wrong, it can be healthy to do all of those things, but when it comes to obsessively doing them…that’s when it becomes a scheme.
Been there. Done that.
Part 2 — “You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them.”
Right off the batch, this is a major ouch. Jealousy in this time of waiting REALLY and TRULY tests your jealous-meter. The Bible tells us to rejoice with one another and to grieve with one another (1 Corinthians 12:25-27), and if we truly love the other individual as ourselves as the Bible also tells us to, we know from 1 Corinthians 13 that love is not jealous.
I can remember being so rejoiceful when my sisters and friends announced their pregnancies, and then immediately a moment of sorrow would slam into me like an anticipated wave at the beach. I can also remember a time recently when my best cousin announced her pregnancy. I was the happiest I could be and sorrow and jealousy tried to creep in, (just as it is now with me retelling this) but it wouldn’t fully land. Why? My heart had moved to a new place of acceptance and plus I had a surprise up my sleeve that I couldn’t tell her just yet. I can’t tell you just yet either! So, don’t ask. That surprise got me through for a few weeks and then I got slammed with that wave of sorrow and the Holy Spirit came in even faster with a reminder to “Sing, o childless woman” and I knew it was time to start this blog and podcast.
No more scheming. No more jealousy. Pick yourself up and help other women. 2 Corinthians 1:4 “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”
Part 3 — “Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.”
Ok, we’ve all asked God, “Can I have a baby?” “Can I get pregnant?” But the real question is why is He not answering? Trust me. I’ve asked that question; like, “Why aren’t You answering this prayer? It’s a pure ask. It’s a pure motive! I’m trying to bring another child into this world for Your Kingdom. To do things for You. Why are You delaying?”
Timing, health, motives, - a myriad of things could be the answer, but we’ll never know unless we ask. And the answer He gives is going to be individual because He’s an individual God. And He may not answer right away. I’ve been asking this question for a while now. And, I’ve still not had an answer.
So, it’s all about timing. It’s about patience. And it sucks!
But, it’s what He’s asking us to do, so we have to go along with it. And just keep asking, like the person who’s knocking on the door waiting for their friend to open the door. Or the woman who goes to the king who’s wicked and just keeps asking and asking for justice; and the king who didn’t fear God, nor have a care for people. He finally relented and gave into her request.
I have a bulldog-like tenacity when I’m going after things that I want. So the Lord is very accustomed to my voice with this. As He is with a lot of other requests. It’s not just this is the only thing I’m praying about. We have to have the same bulldog-like tenacity, and the shameless pursuit, shameless unrelenting asking/pleading. As “deep cries out to deep.” We have to have it.
But, as He showed me my motives were wrong and He showed me know through Scriptures. So, He didn’t actually answer my question, like “This is the exact reason why you haven't had a child yet.” It was more of like, “Here, read in the Psalms and I’ll show you an aspect of it.” - Psalm 105:19 “Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the LORD tested Joseph’s character.”
He was testing my character. And my character was U-G-L-Y, You Ain’t Got No B-A-B-Y. I pray it’s improved! Because, that was a few years ago, lol.
The pleasure would have been to show this other person that I mentioned at the beginning that I won the ultimate, unspoken challenge and race of having a baby before her. And the Lord knew that and said, “How about no? Take some time to review your character and motives and then check back in.”
So, now what? If your motives are pure and your character has been tested, why the prolonged, agonizing wait?
The only answer I have is Scripture. It sucks waiting, but it’ll all be worth it some day when the Lord allows the fruit of the womb to be planted and then harvested. So, the answer like I said is from Scripture. “Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.” Hebrews 10:36
It can be so breaking to be in this place where you’re waiting and waiting for God to answer something that He has promised. So, don’t be impatient during the waiting. Ask the Holy Spirit to search you like David did in the Psalms. Have Him search your heart. Have Him point out any ill thing that’s in you that’s not pleasing to Him. Ask Him to reveal what’s the true motive behind this ask. You may not like it, but just as gold and silver is thrown into the fire for refinement to get all of the impurities out, his season of waiting could definitely be that moment where the Holy Spirit is refining you to get those wrong motives out; to be refined and purified. You just have to be in a place to accept that.
So, be blessed you highly favored one.
