Episode 07: Michal’s Contempt (Part 2)
Whaddup?
I wasn’t planning on doing this episode but I do feel it’s necessary after my last episode. Even though it was recorded in November 2023, a lot has happened since then to open my eyes to the flip side of contempt. Like dealing with my own. Yikes!
Before getting into all of that, let’s recap. Last episode I talked about contempt with your husband and how can you expect to bring a baby into this world if you’re withholding yourself from intimacy with him.
Obviously that was for married couples. Because we brought in Michal and David and her contempt for David when he brought in the Ark of the Covenant into the city. And he didn’t call for her for thirty days because of her blatant disrespect.
Now let’s bring this to your relationship with Christ. So, keep that Michal and David scenario in your mind as we talk about this. And, I touched briefly on this by saying, “If you come into His house with contempt, how do you expect to hear a word from Him? How do you expect to have a Holy Spirit moment with Him if you’ve got contempt in you? The Holy Spirit’s a gentleman. He won’t force Himself upon you and He won't force a conviction on you either.”
And that was said in my car for all of you four/five months ago, but for you it was just a few weeks ago since Part 1 aired. So if there’s a little bit of whiplash here between “Rachel’s talking about contempt with her husband and her saying oh she’s going to call him and ask for forgiveness and eehhh words. And here’s she saying she had her own contempt.”
It’s because I took a break. I kept getting sick, like I mentioned in another episode. So, I’m praying I do not get sick from doing this! Because the enemy does not like it. Well, too bad. Deal with it.
Also, I do want to apologize for, you know, taking that break, because of getting sick, and like I mentioned earlier a lot of things happened since now and November.
*Deep sigh* Man.
My goal for this year is to get better at churning these out — these episodes out like homemade butter. Smooth and delicious to your soul. LOL! I wasn’t planning on saying that but you know, here we are. It’s already out there.
Second, my last two episodes were not scripted; they were more off-the-cuff. This episode and episodes moving forward will be scripted and I will have their Holy Spirit move and say what He needs to say, and not be so scripted. Because I noticed when I was more off-the-cuff I said a lot of filler words — which I am working on. So, be patient with me please.
Getting into the meat of today’s topic. I am bringing it up again due to dealing with my own contempt, like I said.
Let’s look back at what the definition of contempt is to help put it into perspective for moving forward.
Contempt has three parts to it:
The feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
A disregard for something that should be taken into account.
It’s the offense of being disobedient to or disrespectful of a court of law and its officers.
Yikes. “Hold onto your bubble gum” as my husband likes to say. This is going to be potentially rough. I don’t know. My heart (while I was writing this out) was like, “Don’t do this to me!” Lol. Well, too bad, you deceitful little thing.
I say, “deceitful thing” because of what Jeremiah 17:9 says, “‘The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?’”
And verse 10 says, … I am trying to remember, but I don’t. Because, this is actually my second time recording this; because, first time I got a phone call and it interrupted—No! It’s the third time! First time I got a phone call and it interrupted my recording. Second time, I was trying to trim the audio and I accidentally deleted what I had recorded. All ten minutes worth. So…Alright, here we are!
”But I,” this is verse 10. “But I the LORD search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards according to what their actions deserve.”
If that doesn’t make you pucker and go, “Oo! Oh my gosh!” I don’t know what will!
But, we’re gonna pick it apart later, cause it comes into play. Ha! Ha! See how the Lord works?
I am bringing this topic back because contempt isn’t just meant for wives and husbands like in Part 1. No, it’s also for those that are single, engaged, or even dating.
The Lord has let me see that now, because we all have one thing in common. We love God. And as such we are seeking a relationship with Him (hopefully daily). One that’s deep and intimate. One that is: solid, unmovable, unshakeable, steadfast, unfailing. You name it. And guess what? He has the same desires! Why? I’m so glad you asked. The Bible says in Exodus 34:14, “…for the LORD (in all caps), whose very name is Jealous (capital J), is a God who is jealous (little j) about His relationship with you.”
It’s right there; plain and simple. God desires you and Him to be so enraptured with each other, that everything else fades away. Jesus essentially prayed in John 17:21-23, “‘Be one as the Father and I are one.” And later on, verse 23 it says He prayed that we would experience such perfect unity that the world would know that:
That God sent Jesus
That God loves them as much as God loves Jesus
How beautiful our world would be if that’s how we lived as Christians.
So, what’s stopping us?
Probably the fact that we can’t experience the perfect unity in our relationship with God that Jesus was praying for if we are not being completely honest with Him and ourselves! Does that sound about right?
Who can you think of in Scripture that lied and perished almost—not even almost— immediately? Ananias and Sapphira in Acts showed us that the Lord does not take kindly to lying. At all.
Don’t lie to Him. Don’t lie to yourself.
When you start lying to yourself, you start lying to Him. That’s not what God wants for you.
And I prided myself on being an honest — brutally honest — (at that type of) person. I remember my brother was telling me about when he was preaching to his youth group about honesty, and he brought up a story that I had never heard before. He told me that our mom prayed for an honest child, and God gave them me. Haha! I didn’t care what I said or if it hurt your feelings. That’s how honest I was. Now, thanks to the Holy Spirit, I’m more tactful (sometimes). I am not perfect. I am working on it. I am working on being tactful in kindness and in being honest in love. So, like I said, I prided myself on being brutally honest, and thankfully, that transferred over to my relationship with Christ.
Who in the Bible can you think of who was honest with God in his prayer time? I won’t make you wait like Dora the Explorer. And I won’t peer at you through the fourth wall. So, if you guessed David, you’d be correct. Good job!
David prayed for any offenses in him to be pointed out. It’s what we would call a “dangerous prayer”. But when you’re serious about having a holy relationship and being in a right-standing (aka righteous) relationship with God, then pray the heck out of that prayer. Like, who cares if your neighbors see you pace in your living room, hear you blaring worship music, or the car next to you sees you yelling with tears streaming down your face? If I am the only one (which I know I’m not) that does that…then, I don’t care. Because this is my time with Christ to be open and honest with Him.
Now, I did start praying that sometime last year, maybe in the Fall (maybe late Fall), I don’t remember exactly when, but the Holy Spirit slowly started peeling back layers of my heart to point out those offenses. Now, if you ask, He will do it. And, boy oh boy, did He! Talk about a refining fire! He started refining the nasty bits out of my heart that I didn’t even know were really there. And while He’s working in the deep crevices of my heart, I’m struggling to even have a solid relationship with Him. Or what feels solid. Now, I’m going to give you a little insight into me; I am definitely an over-thinker and my mentor tells me that it is a stumbling block for me (so, mentor, if you’re listening, I am listening to you and I’m trying to work on it, lol!). But the evidence speaks for my over-thinking thoughts.
Now, listen to this. My mornings were so rushed that I would half-listen to my Bible while getting ready (putting on my makeup, doing my hair), pray when I was alone in the car (or try to pray when I wasn’t so mentally distracted). I would listen to my Bible while at work only when I was needing to get ready for a lesson at church (or if I didn’t fully listen in the morning), and pray (more like whine) some more when things were tough, and thank God for the same things over and over again. Like, “Thank You Lord for today. Thank You that I have breath in my lungs. Thank You that I have a job…” whatever, you name it. And, there’s nothing wrong with that, but when there’s not really any heart or emotion behind it, or focus, and attention, it’s more like lip service. And it falls flat.
But, that was the evidence in my life for months and my relationship with Jesus was struggling and suffering. I was suffering and struggling. He is constant. He does not change. But it was me who was not constant and who was not the same. I changed.
Here’s another tid-bit of insight into how I’m wired. I’m extremely hard on myself, especially when it comes to my relationship with God. I know what I’ve experienced and gone through and how He’s brought me through it, so when I’m going through something else and our relationship is not like how it was during that other trial or other season, I tell myself I can do better. I pull back from those experiences and I’m like, “Rachel, pull yourself together. What is the problem here? What’s different than last time?”
So, how does this play into contempt?
Remember, the third aspect of contempt is: a disregard for something that should be taken into account. I was disregarding my relationship with Christ when it should have been taken into account and made a priority. God is everything. And what He’s done in my life means everything to me, and I was treating it like He wasn’t worthy of my time or devotion.
Why wasn’t I? Oh a whole slew of things. Maybe some of these sound like something you’re experiencing or have experienced. And you’re asking yourself the same questions, like, “Why am I not having the same type relationship with Christ that I had months ago? What has changed? I don’t see any evidence of change here, so what is different?” Maybe these will help get you to a point where I was at to find out what it was. So, like I said at the beginning, “hold onto your bubblegum.”
Piling on responsibilities or extra tasks around the house, work, or church to fill a void
Shoving down the root cause of your roiling emotions
Retreating or feeling the need to retreat into an emotional shell (aka isolating yourself)
Not fully knowing how to express deep emotions that have been stuffed down
Or you're exhausted from expressing the same things over and over again and not seeing any really change, so you give up bringing it up
And those are just a few. Imagine all of those (and maybe a few more) packed on top of each other. That was me. And the Lord is so gracious and kind, and He was patient with me throughout all of this. Just like He always is. Just like He’s always been, and will continue to be!
I remember I was in worship in the main service and saw a picture in my mind of corn husks being wrapped up around me. It was like corn shucking in reverse, and there were already husks enveloping me. I cried out to the Lord and said, “Please don’t let me be wrapped up in a cocoon again. I don’t want to be in that place again.” And it scared me! So much so, that I could still feel myself slipping into that cocoon and wanting to break out so I could 1) avoid the pain the Lord was obviously trying to heal and 2) retreat from the emotions that would need to be surfaced. The pain the Lod was trying to heal wasn’t really pain. It started off as pain but it turned into anger. And the anger wasn’t geared towards anyone, like the enemy wanted me to believe, it was geared towards God. And He doesn’t deserve that. He does not deserve that. But that’s what happened. It was geared towards Him and it wasn’t geared towards anyone else.
I was angry and thus I fell into contempt for my Creator, God, Savior, and King.
Oh, how I could—wish I could go back and slap myself into realization sooner. But, that’s impossible. We’re here now on the tail end of me confessing my sin and exposing the lies I didn’t even realize I began to believe.
I was talking to my mentor…mmm two Wednesdays ago, and all of these lies came up.
Lies such as:
God has given up on you and put you in a corner.
He is pouring out His love and attention on others, and has completely forgotten you.
He doesn't see all that you’re doing faithfully.
He doesn’t care.
I started to believe those lies. And thank God for people who are so in tune with the Holy Spirit and who know you, that they can see you’re struggling and that they reach out and they say, “Hey, let’s talk.” And that they can help you see and expose the lies of the enemy.
And, this is what happens when you take your eyes off of Him and put your eyes on the waves. You start to drown, just like Peter.
I could feel the tug on my heart to go deeper into the unknown with Him. And the unknown is such a scary place for me, and I’m sure it’s scary for anyone else. But, I know I felt trepidation as I was like spiritually extending my hand for Him to lead me. I was like, “You want to lead me here, I am terrified, but here’s my hand. Let’s go. I will drag my feet a little bit.” Haha!
And when I did extend my hand and I grasped Him and I was ready for Him to take me everything hit the fan (so-to-speak). Work blew up and I stepped in to put order back into place. And dealing with life (outside of work) became difficult to even find balance, peace, and security that I had. My whole world was shaky and I wanted to move forward, because I knew that’s what the Lord wanted for me, but it felt like I was moving backwards. And, like I said, I knew that’s what God wanted me to do; is to go deeper and I still felt the tug and I tried to push myself to go forward, but it felt like I was going deep, and deep, and deeper into messes and gasping for breath. Like, just imagine you’re in a mud-pit and like only your face is like fully to the sky and your neck is extended and your whole face is covered in deep mud, but just your eyes, nose, and lips are not. That’s literally how it felt.
I focused my eyes on those messes and took my eyes off of God. And I knew. I knew something was off. I saw the cocoon waiting for me. I also knew I was growing cold by how I was responding, acting, and thinking. I knew in my heart my first love was perishing. And, I knew I needed to change and be better, and like I said, I tried pushing myself.
I just didn’t know what the root cause was.
You’ll go around the same mountain over and over again until you get to the root cause. Just look at the Israelites, they went around the wilderness for forty years! And when they stepped into it, they were like, “Yes! Let’s take it!” And then, ten men persuaded everyone else not to go forward. So they were stuck.
So, up until a few weeks ago, I still didn’t know what my root cause was. It took talking with my mentor to pull the veil back and expose the trickery and the lies of the enemy. While God is Omniscient (which means all-knowing), does that mean we can expect Him to address things hidden in our heart, and we don’t have to say anything? Have Him do all of the work for us? Absolutely not. For one, He already did that on the cross. He said, “It is finished.”
And two, open your mouth and say it to the best of your ability. Like I said in Part 1, “It’s going to be hard. You’re going to fumble. You’re gonna cry. You’re not going to really know the words to say. But you’re starting the conversation. And every little bit that you have is going to build a stronger foundation of unity...”
So after finding the root cause — which was anger — I did just that. I fumbled. I cried. I yelled. Heck, I think I even laughed. Like Larry the Cucumber always said to Bob the Tomato, “I laughed. I cried. It moved me, Bob.” Even with all of my jumbled hot mess in the car baring my soul and my heart to the lover of my soul, and who knew my heart. Remember, He searches all hearts. It was beautiful and it was raw. While I had snot and tears runnin’ down my face. I say it was beautiful and raw because it brought about the healing I had been fighting for for so long. Ugh, gosh. I’ve always hated my emotions, ever since I was little, and I still do. But when the Lord is in the mix of them, that’s what He loves to see. So, I’m learning how to be ok with expressing those emotions to Him. Mostly crying — I hate crying. And what do I do when the Holy Spirit’s on me? I cry! Lol!
Before the raw release of pent up anger with the Lord or, psssh, anyone for that matter, how do I regulate? Well, I immediately give a cold shoulder. lol. I’ll still communicate with you, but it’s short and I won’t make eye contact. I was essentially doing that to God. I was still showing up to church, reading my Bible, serving, but deeeeeep in my heart, I was giving Him the cold shoulder. Which turned my heart cold. See what the enemy does?
So little by little, I allowed the enemy a foothold. In Ephesians 4:26-27 it says, “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.”
I left the door wide open for the devil to prowl around, causing havoc, and pushing me further into contempt. But I was still expecting God to answer my pleas. How messed up is that? It’s totally backwards. But that’s what the enemy loves to do. To get you so blinded by pain and hurt that you can’t see, you can’t seek, and you can’t hear God.
But what do you do when it’s little things over and over again, or met with the same disappointment month after month or year after year? And it doesn’t just have to be infertility. It could be any disappointment. It could be singleness. It could be not getting a promotion. It could be not getting a raise, or whatever! I’d like to say I have all the answers in my near-30 years on this Earth, but I don’t. Because, how can I honestly come here and try and give you these words of encouragement and words from the Lord, because He has put His words in my mouth (like Isaiah says). And I know He has put His words in my mouth for this. But I don’t have any answer to that question: What do you do when it’s little things over and over again? When you’re met with the same disappointment month after month? Like for me it’s infertility. What do I—What do you do? What do I do? Just keep-a-goin’. That’s all—that’s all I have for you! Just keep going!
Because He does see you. He does hear you. One of His names is El Roi. He saw Hagar after Sarah threw her out. And he saw Hagar—err well, He saw Hagar when she ran away the first time, then He saw her again when she was thrown out. He knows. He’s a big God. He wants us to cast our burdens upon Him. He wants those raw emotions. Remember, He looks at the heart, not the appearance. So if you’re mad at Him, tell Him. He already knows, but He wants to get you to the root cause of why You’re angry so He can step in and help you.
And, if you’re wondering why you aren’t growing or maturing in your relationship, then maybe stop and ask the Holy Spirit to point out anything offensive in you. And ask Him to help you see the work He’s doing in you. I just prayed that this morning. Because I knew I was going to record this today. I prayed, “Holy Spirit, help me see Your and at work in my life. Because if You want me to go back into a refining fire, as much as I don’t want to, if You want me to go back into a fire, I will. Because I know You’re there with me, but I need to see Your—I need to see your Hand with me.”
I can’t remember if Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego saw the fourth Man in the fire, but the king who was so mad (and who threw them in there) did.
You may not like what is revealed, but He is constantly pruning us to make us fruitful, so that way we may multiply in due time with the fruit He wants more of.
And, who knows? Perhaps He might just surprise you.
And, that is all that I have for you so, I’m going to sign off.
But, I am going leave you with something to look forward to. I have a special guest coming on the next episode. I’m super excited about it! I want to tell you who it is, but I’m not going to. And I can’t wait to have y’all along with us (lol, us) for it. It’s my first guest, I’m so excited.
So, until then. Byyyye.
