Episode 01: The Origins

Welcome to what I call, “Sing, O Childless Woman.”

From that you can probably guess I’m a childless woman. “Hi, I’m Rachel. I’m a childless woman.” Not fun when your dream and heart’s desire is to carry a little one that will know your heartbeat from the inside out. But here we are! And I’m legit excited because the Lord not only has nuggets of wisdom and insight for me, but He wants to share it with you too. 

Disclaimer: be prepared for a ton of Holy Spirit, Scripture, tangents, and a conversation that’s like listening to a voicemail from your friend. 

Here we go!

“Sing, O Childless Woman.” It’s not just the title of this podcast, vlog, blog, etc. but it’s how Isaiah 54 opens. 

“Sing, O childless woman, 

you who have never given birth! 

Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, 

you who have never been in labor. 

For the desolate woman now has more children 

than the woman who lives with her husband,” 

says the LORD. 

“Enlarge your house; build an addition. 

Spread out your home, and spare no expense!

For you will soon be bursting at the seams.

Your descendants will occupy other nations 

and resettle the ruined cities.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭54‬:‭1‬-3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Let’s break this down. This is the Lord speaking through Isaiah and my response is, “You want me to sing about having no kids? Are you kidding me? Lord, you know how long we’ve wanted kids and have been trying to no avail and you want me to sing?” And what’s the Lord’s response…sing loud and joyfully! Did I do that? Heck to the no. 

If you’re not in this position, then maybe you are unmarried, in a relationship, or afflicted by infertility. I’m gonna be real with you, this started from a place of infertility, but as I got further into it, God started showing me that it’s for all three: Single/Unmarried, In a Relationship, or like me you’re struggling with infertility.  We all have this in common: we want kids now or in the future.

I have been married for 3.5 years at this point to my amazing, Godly husband, Zack. We have known each other for seven years and have had a desire for children for 2 years with no results. Zilch. Nada. Zero. And you know what, it SUCKS! 

But. And yes, there’s a but. It doesn’t have to suck. Wow, I can’t even believe I just said that.

It’s the truth and I know a Man who said, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” It’s my goal to help bring that freedom to you through and with the help of the Holy Spirit.

I don’t know you, but I do know that at least one desire of your heart is for children and my own heart is flooded with love for you. Because it does suck right now, and you’ll still have your sucky moments in life as your friends, family, or peers have children before you. But let these words resonate within you: Your time is coming. Indeed it’s now. 

Just as Isaiah 54:1 starts off with “Sing, O childless woman” I encourage you to keep listening, reading, or watching as we learn how to sing as childless women of God together. 

So, as my husband likes to say when starting any story “Ok, so backstory.” You can’t have an origins story without backstory, right? 2 years of trying to produce an heir isn’t really that long, and being married for only 3.5 doesn’t seem like a long time either, especially when we’re both still young or “babies” compared to the more seasoned, married veterans of the world. But when your heart wants something and you don’t get it, all that “logic” is just thrown out the window. To that, we can collectively say to just chuck it because our hearts and ears don’t want to hear it. Am I right?

There was a comedic musical I went to see at my high school once and one of the scenes was of these men with giant clocks over their abdomen. They were mocking or poking fun at women by saying, “My biological clock is ticking and I want children now!” Hilarious at the time. VERY relevant now.  

I just turned 29. By science’s standpoint, my child bearing years are waning. I’m already “high-risk” due to my pancreas being asleep from Type 1 Diabetes and when I turn 35 that will make it, if you can believe it, a Geriatric, High-Risk pregnancy. What kinda crap is that!? 

Now, I don’t want to sound all woe is me or doom and gloom about this, because honestly, I’ve been there and done that and it’s my goal to stop you from entering into that realm. It’s not fun and if I can spare you, I want to. Seriously, like when people are headed toward death in movies they always say, “Don’t go towards the light!” I’m here to tell you, don’t go towards that light. Let’s pivot and look towards Jesus’ light. It’s better, brighter, and there’s the healing and hope your heart and soul need. 

If Sarah can have a baby at 90, we can have babies in our 30s y’all. If Jacobs’s wife, Rachel can finally bear children because the Lord remembered her, by God, we can get Him to remember us too. Right? Right. 

More of our story and how we got here. A year into dating my now husband, I lifted up a quick little sentence of thanksgiving to God never expecting Him to respond…“God, I love this man.” And He spoke back so quick. Shocking as it was to hear Him speak so clearly and as quickly as He did, it was even more shocking to hear what He said. Buckle up… He said, “I know, that’s why you’re going to give him six kids. 3 adopted, 3 natural.”

*Insert noise of a record being scratched here*

Hold up, six!? Six kids! Zack and I were in a battle discussing if we wanted two or three. And you know what God did in His infinite wisdom and humor? He multiplied the two numbers…..oof! I didn’t tell Zack that until we were engaged and in our premarital counseling! I was too shaken to tell him! But he guessed the number and was on board with it. Praise God. I began searching for an 8 person vehicle as an act of faith shortly after God disrupted my simple and sweet prayer with hard-truth and promise-filled FACTS! I was ready to switch it up right then and there but was encouraged not to do that. We weren’t married yet, let alone, engaged at that point. Plus, I didn’t tell him right away either.

Everything in due time, right?

Fast-forward and we get married, moved away from family, and just celebrated Christmas and New Years 2020 when I run out of my birth control. I didn’t realize the weight of that decision back in 2018, I was dumb and naive and have learned from that. Side plug: if you’re thinking of getting on birth control - pray about it first and let the Lord give you direction. I didn’t. Side plug ended. Anyways, it was a while before I got more birth control. Then, one morning I’m praying and I say, “God, if You want us to start having kids, you’re going to have to give me my period.” Totally random prayer and I prayed it because my birth control wiped my period out for the two years I was on it. I didn’t think that would happen, but it did. Not healthy! 

Uhm, God heard my prayer and guess who arrived later that morning. Oof. Two, barely three months married and You want us to start having kids? God, I know I prayed that prayer, but again, I didn’t think You’d answer me that quickly! I told Zack and we freaked out to say the least. He wasn’t ready and as my husband and covering I readily listened to him. We got back on birth control until September 2020. And that’s after my periods stopped again and thus ensued the obsession with pregnancy tests just to be extra sure. 

We didn’t tell our families we were trying because we wanted it to be a surprise. I can’t remember how long we kept that a secret but eventually I called my mom and spilled the beans along with my tears. My mental situation at that time was not healthy. I was going through a season where I needed to be whole and healed. I wasn't happy with my job and felt useless. And becoming a wife was a total identity shift for me. 

Imma just pause right now and thank the Lord for His Holy Spirit. He brought the wholeness and healing I needed not just for me, but for my husband and our marriage. Without Him, phew, I don’t even want to imagine. 

Unpause; some happy events happened over the course of 2020 until now: my family held 3 weddings, we bought a house, we were hanging out with our friends on the regular, and then it all kinda stopped. A wellspring of fertility water was being consumed all around us: my sister, my sister in law, my other sister in law, and my best friend all got pregnant. All nearly around the same time. 

One domino after the next. Pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement. Baby shower after baby shower. Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. Period after period.  

All the while I’m figuratively screaming through my bloody wrought tears. That’s where the pain, jealousy, and bitterness came in and which I’m trying to spare you from. If you’re already there, I’m sorry. Let me help draw you out. 

It was like I was trying to be happy even though I was, and am, I just wasn’t fully surrendered to their own happiness and life they brought into the world. Now, my nephews are all so freaking cute and I am ecstatic for my family and friends who brought 4 new baby boys into the world. And I’m glad they will be raised to be Godly men which this world desperately needs more of. 

Now, I get this all the time…in God’s timing. Yes, thank you. You remember that logic I mentioned earlier that you can chuck out the window? If you’re not prepared to know the truth, it won’t set you free. The verse is you shall know the truth and it shall set you free, NOT you shall hear the truth and it shall set you free. There is a difference. I heard it. I just didn’t know it. Until now. (I’m a bit thick headed!)

The ladies I’m most closest with all had their babies in 2022 and their bodies did an amazing thing and those babes were born for such a time as this. I have no doubt in my mind about that. 

My husband and I’s time just hasn’t arrived yet. Or a time for something has arrived, it’s just not what we expected. More on that to come.

Catch ya later.